say, “Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this lTomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally ong!”
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama’s not still president. Also doing that: President Obama. He’s going to Cuba, doing the tango in Argentina. He’s basically checking off his bucket list.
If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties’ nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. “King me!”
Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “My first campaign!”
Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers. After what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a new set of buns.
In an interview with a Swedish newspaper, an Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. Now, as much as that’s bad news for her, it’s good for us men, right? Because my wife thought it was bad that I sometimes sneak eating Krispy Kremes. It turns out it could be so much worse.
This woman should have been tipped off when during the vows at their wedding the groom said, “Until death to America do us part.”
She said she thought it was strange that her husband would disappear for weeks at a time. But it makes sense. His man cave was literally a cave.
If she does finally find a new boyfriend, I feel bad for that guy. He’s never going to be able to say, “I’m just going away for the weekend with the boys.” She’ll be like, “Oh, are you, Josh? Or are you the head of ISIS?”
Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster.
Trump is busy preparing for what might be a losing battle in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and in the most recent polls, Trump trails Ted Cruz by 10 points. Try saying that 10 times fast.
President Obama yesterday commuted the sentences of 61 federal prisoners, most of whom were low-level drug offenders. Then he had lunch with a bunch of them. Obama ate lunch with seven former inmates. Usually former inmates have to be on the team that won the Super Bowl to get invited to the White House for lunch.
Here in California Whoopi Goldberg is launching a line of medical marijuana products for women. The company is called Whoopi & Maya. Starting next month the company will sell a line of items that includes medical cannabis bath soap, sipping chocolate, body balm, all sorts of luxurious ways to get pot into your brain.
California produced $2.7 billion in medical marijuana sales last year — it’s our biggest cash crop, not including the Kardashians.
Whoopi said she wants to go nice and slow with the new venture; I’m sure all the marijuana will help with that.
Maybe this is why Whoopi was the only one who could see Patrick Swayze in “Ghost,” she was high the whole time.
After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B.
Donald Trump was in Washington, D.C., today to meet privately with members of his newly established foreign policy team. They went over key points like, “This one’s Europe,” and “No, no, no, THIS one’s Europe.”
Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person.
Following the success of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” experts are reporting baby names like Kylo and Rey are increasing in popularity. As in, “Help! Someone just beat up Kylo and Rey!”